Thursday, 21 August 2014

CHRIST THE WOLF


Um so I wrote a novel? I wrote a novel from the summer of 2012 to the summer of 2013. I wrote a novel when my mental health was at it's lowest. It's lowest if you disregard, um right now which is going ding! ding! High score! There are many circles to hell and rock bottom is a lie. Things can always get worse. I am optimistic about that.

Christ the Wolf was the best-worst thing I've done. The best in the sense that it's so fucking good and writing it was the happiest I've ever been (even though I was extremely fragile at the time I was y'kno...happy). Waking up in the morning and feeling like I was doing something good, felt good. I literally did this whole look-into-the-garden-jump-for joy-thank-you-god-while-the-kettle-boils thing. 

Worst in the sense that whilst I think this project at least merits a blog post, grammatical mistakes and all (I should really proofread this shit before i hit publish) it's um not going to progress beyond that. 

So yeah. 

People say that giving up after rejection is weak, but there's people and there's persons, and I personally disagree, there is only so much I can deal with y'kno? I'm tired. 

Tho um maybe if you email me, I might show the manuscript? I don' know. (Idk).

Don't know. Don't care.

I don't really care about anything anymore. 

(I would like to sleep forever).



9 comments:

  1. This is amazing. I wrote 50,000 words for NaNoWriMo last year just to see if I could and I wrote so much rubbish in there but I ended up writing stuff I really liked as well and I was like WOW ACTUALLY KINDA VERY POSSIBLE and I published the whole thing as a blog post. I don't think anyone will have read through the whole thing. I want to write a big collection of short stories. I love short stories so much and don't feel like people pay enough attention to them within literature in general. What is your novel about? I'd be hella interested in reading it.

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    1. Omg! What! Link me I wanna read it!! And yesss I love short stories and novellas too, whilst I'm not hugely into michael chabon i read an early collection of short stores of his called werewolves in our youth and it was SO good! I also loveee Borges. And of course Junot Diaz's short stories. Aaa I HAVE so many feelings about how long books are disproportionally valued and how that relates to power and privilege and aaa. I actually kinda wrote my MA diss on this (I posted a lil bit of it earlier today actually!) And aaa it is about gender variant narratives and abuse and suburbia and stuff!! All the publishers who read it were like "it's good but i have no idea how to market it/who will buy it" which kinda bummed me out haha as y'kno DREAM CRUSHED. but yeah you can read it you want! i'll bind you a lil copy of it if you like :)

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    2. It's here if you wanna check it out! I'll have to check out that dissertation post, I saw it but didn't read it. I feel like my (technically not a dissertation) dissertation is relevant to like everything I say all the time, do you find that about yours? That's such a bummer about publishers. For real though, I will read the hell out of your novel in any way possible. I have read too many thick and intensely dull novels by wrinkly old blokes from the 70s so I have too much patience for books I don't really like and I want to read more by... you know... not those sorts of people.
      x

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    3. Omg yes absolutely! What did you write yours on? I'd love to read it! Aww thank you for your kindness and your support, I'd love to share it with you! I think it was only in dealing with the big publisher type ppl I realised how flawed and gross the publishing industry is, and how that in turn influences the books we read and the stories we internalise. It's all quite depressing and rubbish really haha. xox

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    4. It's not finished yet but it's called "Why do people reject themselves as artists?" and it talks about how the art establishment and wider capitalist culture shape people's perceptions of "legitimate" art and create strict restrictions on when, where, how, etc art is acceptable. It started as an essay focusing on child art and the difficulty children have when artistically developing in teen years as they start to want to make the kind of art seen as skillful and worthwhile in the adult world etc etc. It ended up being a partial rant on how capitalism renders education systems broken. Also how if people are only afforded value when they are producing something or when they are profitable, then things done for fun and enjoyment inevitably get shamed, thus art is only allowed in ostensibly productive/profitable/"high art" forms so people are pushed away from art and don't see themselves as artists. I get anons on Tumblr sometimes telling me my art is crap because it's childish and I'm like ...mate I am writing my essay on exactly why you think that lmao got you figured out.

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    5. Umm this is everything to my agenda???? I would LOVE to read it when you're finished!! I have SO many feelingz about this!!! I actually did my whole csm degree show on a similar topic, curating children's copies of artists who sought to draw like children, 8 year olds being forced to created perfect copies of picasso who himself is plagiarizing an imaginary child genius he never was (like from what historians i've read he actually destroyed so much of his pre-teen work to maintain an illusion that he is AWESOME) and the whole thing is so hilarious and contradictory! I also had a solo show like two years ago lol which explored these ideas in more detail. And I actually wrote my undergrad thesis on the occupation of imaginary ideas of childhood for the purpose of political propaganda! (it's all in clips page if you're interested!) WE ARE SO IN SYNCH! ART AND CHILDHOOD AND AESTHETICS FTW!! Also I started reading 'Mashed Berry' and I'm really into it (need to print off the whole thing so i can read it properly!)

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  2. Heyyy! I'm working on a novel at the minute-technically my second but I think it's considerably better than my first! And you know, my first was the first I ever completed and I was really thrilled with it but now I see it's flawed in some places, so I'm going to leave it a while and then go back and edit it and maybe make it into something publishable! I'd love to see the manuscript over email if you wanted to do that, but only if you wanted! So you might edit it and find you could publish it anyway-and if you didn't, then it was still worth it because it got you through a tough time and that was what my first one did with me (and I'm REALLY ENJOYING writing my second one, which counts too!) Something's worth doing if you enjoy it. :)
    On a completely unrelated note, I'm working on that article for Doll's Hospital, it'll be in to you by the end of August :)

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    1. Yay can't wait to read what your piece!!! ^o^

      I'm not sure if I have the motivation/confidence/ burning need to write another one now haha, and at least I have this blog and DH as a creative outlet. I have some poetry I need to collect into a little book also so that's something...

      I think um the issue wasn't the editing (tho i will reread it before sending it to u!) but that publishers/agents aren't interested in investing in what I have to write as it's too 'out there' or w/ever so it's not guaranteed a mainstream audience. Publishing is in a weird place right now generally, so literary agents aren't taking on manuscripts that are a financial risk or whatever.

      Which is okay, but I don't think I have the emotional energy to invest in another long project like that. It's too much for me! And I find the publishing process of dealing with literary agents and cover letters and meetings and stuff too soul crushing haha!

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