Thursday, 11 December 2014

Winter Water Witch

It's funny how the song 'lord i'm 5,000 miles from my home resonates so deeply in deepest darkest suburbia! And I tried to photoshop out the dark circles from eyes and my face went blotchy, and my face looks stupid, i would like to photoshop my face out and crop the sadness out. 

i wrote this yesterday, i like it, not because it is 'good' but because it is an honest portrait of my current coordinates-

I wrote this crying on the 47 bus

It may be hard to believe but you will never be this young (or this lost) or this mentally ill again. I kno that’s crazy to believe but that’s because you are crazy! And u will always be crazy! We both know that, but stay with me.
Because there will be a time when u get regular hair cuts, eat breakfast that don’t consist of bourbon biscuits, a time when when your trauma is not caged in ‘read mores’ on tumblr, a time when u don’t have to psych yourself up to go to the postbox, or movie montage motivate yourself to go to the bathroom. In short there will be a time when you are not a suicidal 23 yr old.
And even tho being such a thing, occupying that space, is huge and terrible (u could never figure out the definition of the sublime at undergrad but maybe this is it?) yet to think of it passing also feels unspeakably sad.
You left the house for the first time this week to go see the paddington bear movie of all things! Freelancing pays little and your assets consists of some old snowman stuffed toys and the selfies on your desktop. You are unhappy. You think about killing yourself a lot. You say your best friend is your cat without a lick of irony. Your hair is damaged. You have a lot of split ends. You go to bed during the day, sometimes because you are tired, but mostly because it is warm and safe. You pull your hair out and trace the wet bulb around your lips.

You will never be this young or this miserable again.

So tell me why does this impermanence feel so terribly, unbearably sad? This too will pass is a cliche comfort so why is the title of this word vomit “I wrote this crying on the 47 bus”?

U need to get off in 3 stops, blow ur nose put ur Banana phone away and breathe out.
oh and in other news-a new mood board! felt i hadn't made one in forever! a mood board on feeling lost and sad, a mood board to complement that word vomit-

welcome to night vale, Erwin Blumenfeld: Eyes of Youthundercover, The Master and Margarita - Mikhail Bulgakov Artwork by Iker Spozio, John Baldessari, Less Than Perfect (from the Goya Series,) 1997. Computer print on paper. Stedelijk Museum, Hyein Seo’s BAD EDUCATION, unknown, Kate by Nathaniel Goldberg for W, May 1997, 
 Calvin Klein Sport 1988 by Bruce Weber,  Maison Martin Margiela. unknown (i had the reference somewhere but now can't find it??) jennifer medina, The Rain People poster, unknown :(, kim hyuk soo for vogue korea october 2007, Beyonce's insta, kishin shinoyama, 1997 starring Chiaki Kuriyama,  La rivoluzione sessuale 1970,   

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