Wednesday, 30 December 2015

CLEVER ANIMALS: A pop up book

There are too many people, wet people, dry people, all bang bang banging in like a pack procession of zombies at a door you must plank up fastly, running to the door with bolts and nails. You must understand I am not one of those misanthropists for they in fact love people-dribbling, scrabbling they rat mouth on and on of their contempt of society only when there is an audience, oblivious of the exhaustion that is engagement, a true misanthropist would not call themselves such a thing as they would not speak to you at all.
I am beautiful and young and I have long dark hair and I am beautiful and young and I have long dark hair because I am my own muse as well as author, man as well as woman, I can love myself and love myself I will do. (And well).
I ate French toast with maple syrup and bacon and she asked me if I ever doubted myself and I said no because I didn’t but also because I had no intention of being myself with her. It is a world war one anniversary and a Canadian says he doesn’t care for it but no one cares for him so it doesn’t matter so much. And the rest of my notes are badly written as my motor neurons are badly written and all I can make out is ‘dirt and amputation to sound impressive and a teddy bear farting in an old fashioned picture book’. So make of that what you will guess.
Matt asked me if I bought my Mum a father’s day card. I said no. I told her the story. She laughed. Of course I have to be both mother and father she said.

And criminality is a sort or originality, a sort of economic artistry, so I can say that my families are blue bloods in that sense. I think I am my own both. My body is for me only. I am a self-sustaining organism, a plant cell splitting in half to form a whole.
When I went North, North, North. I saw a mountain that looked like a mountain that looked like a story that looked liked a woman that was a story and also a person and also like actually just some rocks that tourists pointed at and took pictures of. And I write down in my note book with the bulbasaur stickers on ‘a mountain woman, bushy breasted, twin peaked: the Scots would marry the land if they could but I am an Englishman thru and thru, tho I am neither English nor a man. I lick the toes, kiss the soles of blighty, my puke green pleasant land and tip my imaginary top hat and say bury me in blighty old bean to no one in particular.’ I won’t type the rest out as it is not words, just pictures of clouds and sheep and flowers.

2k15 in Review

My sole aim for 2k15 was to not successfully commit suicide, which i achieved, and if u are ready this u achieved it to! GO US!
15 nice things for 2k15-
5. Not giving up with CTW and now its out there and that’s cool!!!
6. Getting a full scholarship for pHD and starting PHD!!!
8. Going to Iceland!
10. Teaching my first class at central saint martins to undergraduate students about folklore and horror and internetting!!!
11. Working at a mental health museum!! Being in an art show about mental health!!!
13. Writing the things i need to write!!!
14. New friends!!! I was so lonely this time last year….
15. NOT DYING!!!!

Monday, 14 December 2015

CHARLIE THE SURVIVOR: Doll Hospital Issue Two Essay

My essay for Doll Hospital Issue Two! Also like obligatory there are 150+ pages of content and 99% of them don't include me talking about my deep personal connection with Jesse Pinkman so like go read that instead.

artwork by Mikael Hattingh

content warning suicide

I don’t want my tumblr to be deleted when I (eventually) kill myself. To ensure this does

not happen I post a tweet that reads: When I die I want my tumblr to be a UNESCO

world heritage site. That should do the job nicely. I am not good at doing jobs. I am a

slacker. Like the song Slack Motherfucker. Like the tall blue bird Mordecai in the

Regular Show. He went to art school too, you kno. The cartoon bird I mean. And

an unpleasant incarnation of his gum ball machine boss tells him, “You’re just another

slacker who went to art school to feel like he accomplished something!” This is not my

psychosis. I have screen shots of the scene. Proof. I even posted it on my blog saying

“Mordecai is more me than me” if you want the receipts.

I suppose I am a part of a particular dashboard of perpetually stoned,

permanently unemployable, working class girls of colour with my bullshit blogging

and low self esteem selfies. (You could call hat a movement, slackerdom at least has

anti-capitalist intentions, and I am not only spoonless but hopeless too). I am ridiculous.

And slightly nauseous. When my stomach disease was bad in January I shit my pants

in a Holocaust memorial service. (I kno!) And I think maybe I should rewrite The Old

Man and the Sea about my trichotillomania, with a deeply rooted hair follicle in place of

the big fish.

My tumblr url is bernard-beth after Bernard Black. I am both dysphoric and

psychotic so fictitious white dudes on TV are an interesting model of myth-making. I

think. I guess. Disassociation can turn even a muggle like me into an Oscar winner. And

the bonus of never having accomplished anything is that no one will ask me to

write my memoir as I honestly don’t what is Netflix and what is irl anymore. The

movie Spring Breakers is on Netflix and it gave me nightmares and white weaponised

femininity does not float my boat. Me and Lil talk about the Runaways after the

Huffington Post article on that nasty rapist man comes out. I love my survivor sisters

more than anything else in the world and I do not want abuser aesthetics in my house.

But as much as This Bridge Called My Back is my bible I am interested in occupying

these white guys’ characters. Stealing their toys, their clothes, their lines. Jackson

Pollock said ‘I am Nature’ and I reply with ‘I am Jackson Pollock’.

I am also Jesse Pinkman. Because Jesse survives. And is fictitious. I also survive.

And am ficticuous. However, the Jesse Pinkman blogging hashtag is less popular

than the Bernard Black blogging one. This is most likely because it centres around

substance abuse and takes place at 5am. Jesse is a survivor and Bernard is a survivor. But

Charlie Kelly is the most survivor, the most me. The dude survived his own abortion.

When I was suicidal the other week I wrote:

“It’s not that I want to die. I want to go further. Suicide is still a selfhood, the

ultimate in fact. I wish I had never been conceived. I don’t want to exist even in

idea form. Everyone said I should have been aborted – the family, the doctors. they

were quite right. They were quite right. Noun. Noun. Noun.”

So we have the abortion thing in common. Also his learning difficulties, his

trauma, his cats, the absent fathers and dodgy literacy skills. His height and high-
pitched voice. His mania. His army jacket and neurovariance. I also used to clean up

human waste for money. (Though being a cleaner of colour carried a different context

I suppose). Charlie responds to childhood abuse not with a TED talk but with a

magical musical written in crayon. I use crayon in all my artwork. I offered to give

one to my mum and she said no thank you. Suicide attempts are horcruxes –

you lose yourself one try at a time. But horcruxes are also fragments of the soul.

Containments. Parts lost given back to you in unexpected packages. Your writing, your

pet, a TV character on a strange sitcom that is yours too you kno, you just didn’t realise it

before you hit play.

People say I am strong. But I am not strong. People say I am inspiring. But I am not

inspiring. I am not an MIA gif set. Or a pair of Frida Kahlo socks. There is a particularly

colonial thumbprint on the caricature of the strong woman of colour. For I am not strong,

but suicidal. And I do not want my perpetual debasement to serve as a catalyst to the very

model of white authorship that made me sick in the first place. I do not want my vomit

chunks used to paint masterpieces. I do not want that one bit.

Charlie Kelly is not a strong woman of colour. He eats garbage out of the trash.

Bernard Black is not a strong woman of colour. He has mushrooms growing out

of his hair. Jesse Pinkman is not a strong woman of colour. He is well...he is Jesse

Pinkman! Survival is not inspiring, it is repulsive, and it is always the rats that run

first, the cockroachs that survive. I am a rat. A cockroach. A parasite. (Parasitic lifestyle

blogging is another hashtag that is dear to me.) And Charlie crawls around the sewers

of Philadephia with no clothes on.

And a bonus playlist! Again made into ART by Mikael. He couldn't actually fit all the songs into one playlist so consider the extra like 34 songs a suprise?!

Wednesday, 9 December 2015


Long time no speak! Hi! hello!

I'm still a mentally ill blob with an enthusiasm for mood boarding but I'm now a mentally ill blob whose finished their first term of PHD and just launched DH Issue Two.

Wait? What?

Yep. Doll Hospital Issue Two IS OUT NOW!!!!!

Our second issue featuring contributions and interviews from awesome people such as Bassey Ikpi, Dior Vargas, Gemma Correll, Cindy L. Rodriguez, L’lerrĂ©t Jazelle Ailith, Allison Augustyn and Yumi Sakugawa. It is 155 pages full colour of soothing illustrations, comic art, poetry, fiction, literary essays and real talk. We think it is beautiful, we think it is necessary, and we hope you do too.
Our suggested donation amount for the digital copy of the journal is £5.00, however there is also a pay as you wish option in the drop down menu if you'd like to pay more or less.

Every order comes with a soundcloud mix of our fave self care songs to soothe you on sad days!

Also I had an interview with Hannah over at Dazed on all things DH! Check it out if you wanna!

Wednesday, 14 October 2015

Another generic halloween post?

some shitty outfit posts inspired by 2005 flash myspace compact digital cameras of ppl looking mournful on swings??? + some shitty pictures of trees???=a shitty blog post??

Oh and some generic halloween shots from my insta???

***also a rick mental illness playlist i made on the train***

***and a general mental illness song**

A Vague Halloween Mood Board








Credit: AHS Coven, Spider Baby, Lisa Anne Auerbach, Girl Vs Monster, A Girl Walks Home Alone, Coven by Mark Borchardt, Boris Karloff introduction to Mario Bava’s Black Sabbath.