Friday, 27 March 2015

i can't surf or skate but i can take screenshots of the dog town and z boys documentary so that's basically the same thing (never ending mood board)

It is spring. And of course I am going to post endless mood boards on the subject.

I have been thinking a lot about what it means to be an **outsider** in terms of both the notion of outsider art and its implications in terms of race, disability and accessibility, but also in terms of subcultures! 

.....And like Travis from Clueless!

 Young people who chose to basically drop out of society, whether that is skaters or hard drug users. Also 90's fashion, comix and grunge and like...stoned Dave Grohl. Kurt's interview on how he decided to start using because of his chronic illness and mental health troubles. Krist Novoselic in the stoned Nirvana interview.

This post I wrote on tumblr about outsider art:

The way people dismiss Jesse Pinkman as just *another* addict. (I am on season 5 of Breaking Bad now-episode 2- and I have so many thoughts about it in relation to my own substance usage feels).

And in general the great pressure you have if you're from a working class background, if you're not white, if you're parents weren't born here to be a gigantic a+ overachiever, and you do this and then...what?! 

And the line in neutral milk hotel's song against sex: always sober always aching.


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Tuesday, 24 March 2015

sick of being sick

I am not well in either body or mind, my hair is falling out again, doctors appointments again, x-rays again, blah blah blah again. Intrusive suicidal thoughts, depression and fatigue sets in, I throw up again, new meds again, I don't want to wake up again. Illness is isolating, but in dressing up you can be taken to different places, I have a hospital gown I might make into a dress.


People often suggest people feign illness for attention which I get from an outsider position makes sense, but in reality being sick is annoying! To yourself and everyone around you! It won't win you any friends.

 But even though bits of me are falling apart spring is here and I'm still here and that is something to celebrate. I have nearly died so many times by this point to make it a new season, like I am a character in a video game making it thru a tricky level. Beep! Beep! Gold coins all round.
Hope it something I struggle with, suicidal ideation is very loud and often the positives feel very small.
I used to help myself through art but I realise that the only person particularly interested in my art, in my writing is me, so it is hard to crank up the motivation to take the craft outside my mind. Because who'd want to see it anyway? My art and writing has been rejected so much, when you're so sick already it's hard to volunteer for that level of unpleasantness again. Even blogging feels kind of pointless to me now. A few people have asked me when I'm going to be starting my next manuscript, but honestly why would I do such a thing?
It's hard to keep going when you're not moving forward in any sense of the word, but there is blossom on trees and hedgehog slippers and good movies and nirvana interviews, Kurt said that the reason he started using was because in his physical and mental health he felt like a junkie anyway, this is how I feel, but I'm not a rock star I'm just a girl so there's no point being a whiny piss baby and instead I will revisit my new year's resolutions:

-“He’s suicidal? I’m suicidal, you’re suicidal, everybody’s suicidal! We don’t all keep going on about it!” x
-"Don’t feel sorry for yourself. Only assholes do that." x
-"However bad life might seem, while there is life there is hope" x
-Know your worth: Fuck approval, make your own space
-There are people here that love you the least you could do is answer their fucking texts, jesus what the hell is wrong with you?
-Actually in general stop isolating yourself, that’s y’kno bad. Stop doing that.
-“Is that who you wanna be? No. Try to live as long as you possibly can, dickhead. Life might be kinda shit, but overdosing on skag in Wolfman’s bathtub is immeasurably worse.” x

Monday, 16 March 2015

car crash blogging is the new car crash television??

As a very insane, very online, girl I have been thinking so much about these tweets I favourited a while back:

[tweets copyright of respective authors]

This links in to a talk I covered for For Books' Sake, titled 'Women, Feminism and Journalism'

The question of telling your story as a marginalised person is a wonky one, you are both exploited and ignored. To be a writer from a background outside the norm leaves you open to both tell-alls and ignore alls. And whilst the publishing industry is overwhelmingly white and middle class, I do think if you are young, if you are a woman, if you are a survivor, if you are struggling with mental health, if you're outside of whiteness, there is a pressure to offer up your trauma like a wedding ring to eager internet anons.

And as someone who openly journals on mental health and like ***taboo*** trauma I can't help but question where my writing fits into this all. Is Milk Teeth car crash blogging? Is car crash blogging even a thing considering I may have just invented the term five minutes ago? Should my blog sit on a shelf with Warhol daily disasters and xoJane 'It Happened to Me's?! How do you feel about the personal essays published for $30 industry? 

I myself cannot dismiss writing personal work as a whole as: 

1. I do it! And I believe in the work I do!  

2. I think to widely reject this craft has a misogynistic vibe y'kno? Like dudes who make fun of girls for reading Sylvia (even though I have a difficult relationship with her work but that's another story.)

3. Related to 2. I think this can perpetuate respectability politics and an attitude that we need to be quiet about our suffering, when I think people can do whatever the hell they want!! Rather I am interested in the ethics of the genre, both in reading, writing and in publishing.

It's a funny subject isn't it? 

One I don't think I have an answer for!

 What do you think?