Tuesday, 24 March 2015

sick of being sick


I am not well in either body or mind, my hair is falling out again, doctors appointments again, x-rays again, blah blah blah again. Intrusive suicidal thoughts, depression and fatigue sets in, I throw up again, new meds again, I don't want to wake up again. Illness is isolating, but in dressing up you can be taken to different places, I have a hospital gown I might make into a dress.

 

People often suggest people feign illness for attention which I get from an outsider position makes sense, but in reality being sick is annoying! To yourself and everyone around you! It won't win you any friends.


 But even though bits of me are falling apart spring is here and I'm still here and that is something to celebrate. I have nearly died so many times by this point to make it a new season, like I am a character in a video game making it thru a tricky level. Beep! Beep! Gold coins all round.
Hope it something I struggle with, suicidal ideation is very loud and often the positives feel very small.
I used to help myself through art but I realise that the only person particularly interested in my art, in my writing is me, so it is hard to crank up the motivation to take the craft outside my mind. Because who'd want to see it anyway? My art and writing has been rejected so much, when you're so sick already it's hard to volunteer for that level of unpleasantness again. Even blogging feels kind of pointless to me now. A few people have asked me when I'm going to be starting my next manuscript, but honestly why would I do such a thing?
It's hard to keep going when you're not moving forward in any sense of the word, but there is blossom on trees and hedgehog slippers and good movies and nirvana interviews, Kurt said that the reason he started using was because in his physical and mental health he felt like a junkie anyway, this is how I feel, but I'm not a rock star I'm just a girl so there's no point being a whiny piss baby and instead I will revisit my new year's resolutions:


-“He’s suicidal? I’m suicidal, you’re suicidal, everybody’s suicidal! We don’t all keep going on about it!” x
-"Don’t feel sorry for yourself. Only assholes do that." x
-"However bad life might seem, while there is life there is hope" x
-Know your worth: Fuck approval, make your own space
-There are people here that love you the least you could do is answer their fucking texts, jesus what the hell is wrong with you?
-Actually in general stop isolating yourself, that’s y’kno bad. Stop doing that.
-“Is that who you wanna be? No. Try to live as long as you possibly can, dickhead. Life might be kinda shit, but overdosing on skag in Wolfman’s bathtub is immeasurably worse.” x

4 comments:

  1. those sunflowers are COOL AS HECK!!!!!! did you hear lil chris just killed himself? I feel really weird about that, it's like my intestines hurt thinking about that...

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    1. thank you ^__^ i sometimes worry that my outfits are horribly unflattering as they tend to be kinda lumpy and pattern heavy but yay!!!

      and oh no i didn't realise that....I'm googling it now and i feel weird and itchy reading about it...and about his depression and how he lost faith in his work. the people who commit suicide almost seem so random, its like we end up with these fixed ideas of who is at risk and who isn't (?!) which is arrogant and nonesensical. like with robin williams :/

      oh that is just so so sad :(

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  2. I really needed to read this. Thank you so much, Bethany. You are wonderful and an amazing writer. I am feeling the same way lately- a lot of personal upheaval and it sucks so badly. Just know that I love reading your blog, and your work on Dollhouse Hospital is phenomenal. You have given me something amazing to look forward to. You took a chance on me and I could not be more grateful.

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    1. Ashton! Apologies for not responding to this sooner, I haven't had the spoons to y'kno...function outside of reblogging novelty pictures of cats on tumblr for a while! But I seriously can't express how much this comment means to me, thank you, seriously, when I read this comment for the first time I felt so taken away, I think it's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me! <3 Whilst I know I'm y'kno a mess I believe in you and your work and I'm always hear for you if you need anything! I'm sorry your having a sucky time of things and feel free to drop me an email (or you can add me on fb if you have it!) <3 All my love and good vibes and kind adjectives to you!! XOX

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