content warning: csa, murder, suicide, a writing/short story? inspired by this essay on the dubious fandom of homicide
I'm making a valentine's day card of the columbine shooters because I care more about impressing boys than my moral code of ethics. He says I'm Dylan because I have suicidal tendencies and I say okay sure. He says there is a man on second life who was sexually abused as a child and has a url innocence in place of his irl trauma. I say that's cool and interesting and write it down on the notes on my i-phone.
Everyone says that people only care about mentally ill people when there's a shooter, and that people who hurt people are not mentally ill one bit. I don't know about that. Dylan did not seem very well, I don't think he was very well, his mum says he wasn't very well. I read it in the Guardian this morning.
My Boy says I am only a danger to myself. My Mum says I'm only a danger to myself. But nonetheless I have no respect to lose so am not afraid to consider parts of mental distress that might not feature on Buzfeed. Everyone thinks the mentally ill are monsters anyway and being psychotic has bad connotations so I might as well write an essay on true crime.
I think the valentine's day card is like art that would be in the Tate for my Good Taste and that I am very talented.
I want to write a book about love that you would buy in book shops but no one would publish it and no one would buy it.
I see childhood trauma like a hall in a 1950's hotel and I walk down the carpet floor and there are all these different doors. There is a door for become an abuser. I do not go in that one, because that is not the key I have been given. There is a door for become a Inspiration. I do not go in that one, because that is not the key I have been given. There is a door for stay a child forever. I do not go in that one, because that is not the key I have been given. There is a door for write a shitty blog and be a fucked up disgusting person who writes truly terrible first person stream of consciousness nonsense and still thinks South Park is funny and that Nirvana's Rape Me is A Really Good Smart Song. This is the key I have been given.
I think the valentine's day card is very smart and is critiquing our culture of violence.
I am writing my PHD on childhood sexual abuse in popular culture, a boy asks me if it upsets me to deal with such crimes against humanity and I say no because I am upset all the time anyway.
There is a character in Ghost World called John Ellis who runs a shitty zine called Mayhem and our anti-hero Enid says something like 'he's not alternative! serial killers! violence! all that fucked up stuff is what the rest of america is tuning into!' He is made an example of.
I think he'd publish an image like this valentine's day card.
I think I should be made an example of.
I think the valentine's day card is a failure because it replicates our culture of violence and is therefore disgusting and evil
I don't think it's normal to use 'I' this much in an opening to a sentence. I think that means I am a narcissist. I think I knew that already. I should be ashamed of myself. I should make myself sick and maybe I do.
I don't think I like the valentine's day card anymore. I think I want to throw it in the bin.